After last year’s debacle, the organisers of Gigbeth decided to throw in the towel, and follow the paying masses to places such as Manchester where they openly encourage such disgraceful noisy behaviour. In its place comes Twigbeth—a celebration of all things twig-like.

“It’s a lot more in keeping with the spirit of New Digbeth” said Woody Varnish, chief organiser. “All that music was far too noisy. So we imposed the emergency licensing act for New Digbeth, and the old bars and clubs were weeded out. The Gigbeth organisers were left with

no choice when the proles complained that all the café venues closed at 6pm, and they thus chose to stay away. Now we can celebrate the true rural charm of New Digbeth. We chose the name Twigbeth not only because it fits, but also because the twig is in the middle range of woody material, right between kindling and the much bigger stick. Very middle of the road. Just like New Digbeth.”

Eagle-eyed readers will note that in homage to the original Gigbeth, the initial ‘T’ in the Twigbeth logo has also been reversed. Full story online...

Alan Boarson and his two assistants at the Sus Salvanius Research Institute claim that the material is by far the best option for future construction projects. “We tried several materials including straw and bricks” said Mr Boarson. “We found straw difficult to handle from a health and safety point-of-view, and bricks were far too expensive when working to such tight margins as we have

in New Digbeth. Twigs however had the perfect balance of durability and economy.We tested our twig model to the extreme. It performed excellently and only failed when subject to conditions similar to the infamous “Lupo” wind which we know is only a once in every 140-year event. And we haven’t seen a wind huff and puff like that since 1866 anyway!”

It was also found that twigs are a very environmentally-friendly material, as they rot away to nothing within five years.

Throughout November they will be called the New Digbeth and Dickens Heath Twigging Association, in honour of the festival that brought about the thawing of their spat. “Dickens Heath came to our rescue really” said Cornelius Barker, Secretary.

“We simply didn’t have enough twigs in New Digbeth for the Twigbeth Festival as the trees planted in New Champs Elysee St (formerly Bradford St) last year haven’t had time to mature yet. So our old friends stepped in and donated five tons of twigs. They’ve got loads of ‘em out that way. In hindsight it’s just a shame we didn’t name the event ‘Figbeth’. I’d have loved an all-expenses paid trip to somewhere hot to further our global ties!”

The extra measures are being taken even though the festival was envisaged with

peace and quiet in mind. There are fears that miscreants may try to cause a disturbance and ruin the festival for the literally dozens of people expected to participate. “Anyone even thinking of causing any trouble will be met with the full force of martial law” said a mysterious voice inside my head. “We have recently developed technology similar to that seen in the film Minority Report featuring everyone’s favourite, nice actor Tom Cruise. You know the one, it’s where those ‘pre-cogs’ float in that water-tank thingy and can predict murders before they happen. Only our ‘pre-cogs’ are floating in the newly-raised River Rea. And we are dealing with something much more serious than murder. Noise.” When your correspondent thought to himself “what if some innocent people, such as overseas travellers arrived, not knowing Gigbeth had been cancelled a year before and were caught up in the security measures” the mysterious voice simply replied “Hopefully”.

The long-proposed council plan to re-locate “Ye Olde Golden Lion” currently in Cannon Hill Park back to New Digbeth (from where it was removed in 1911) looks set to be completed—with the restored pub taking up position where the publicly-spirited former noise-menace Spotted Dog currently stands. The ‘Dog will then be moved to Cannon Hill park to be converted into tea-rooms. “It’s an exciting plan”, said a nice Council spokesman who we wish to remain nameless. “First we’ll convert Ye Olde Lion into a top-notch authentic boozer, restoring it to its original C16th state—complete with Wacky Warehouse including a ball pit for the

kiddies (subject to noise constraints). Then we’ll let the Spotted Dog rot in Cannon Hill until we decide to restore it back to New (New) Digbeth in probably 2105 or so. Probably swap it with a pub that I should think by then would probably be called “Ye Olde Dot-Com Bubble”. But of course it is too early to speculate. But we’ll all be walking around with silver hair and stuff. Probably”.

They are believed to be coordinating meat-eating anti-social elements in opposition to the recently enacted Compulsory Vegetarianism Legislation (2009, Enlightenment Year 2). The pair were thought to have perished in the Music Riots of Digbeth earlier this year when dysfunctional underground scum defied the Enforcement Authority by holding a 'Silent Music Vigil' at the site of the summary execution of Saint Brian of Digbeth.

It will be recalled that Saint Brian (74) was successfully hunted down and received his just desserts, being crucified on a 'treble clef' scaffold and burnt after being mutilated with broken bottles of the rebel 'Keep Digbeth Noisy' wine. He had for a long period been irritating various Enforcement Agencies of The Enlightenment (Health and Safety, Environmental Health, Parking) by attempting to take legal action on behalf of those who would not see the light. The vigil was successfully and efficiently suppressed with only 3,700 fatalities (none, fortunately, members of the Enforcement Squad).

However, due to the multiple Noise Abatement Orders that have been served upon the once vibrant quarter of Brum, not a note was heard by the audience. The concert, billed as a showcase for a diverse range in style of musical genres, had originally been expected to draw record company A and R staff, until Environmental Health Officers pulled the plug on the event, following the continued campaign by a small group of Digbeth residents to muffle the area. In retaliation, the venue went ahead with the gig and all of the scheduled acts took to the stage in a quite literally unplugged event.

Local rock outfit Quiet War opened the show with an impressive light show which they stood in and threw rock shapes. Guitarist Izzy stunned onlookers with an outstanding air-guitar performance. Next up, indie outfit the Hush Puppies mimed as though they were playing introspective emotional pop. Frontman Bozo, renowned for his mumbled lyrics of loss and despair, took the vocals down a notch by not actually

even mumbling.

Following a set by DJ Fatboy Shh, who on this occasion held up the sleeves of the records he would’ve played if it had not been illegal, the headline act namely hip hop crew Brum DMC strode on stage and spent half an hour just … well … pacing up and down. They mimed their way through their underground smash “Who Sez That Rap Muzik Got Nothing 2 Say?” At one point, controversy raised it‘s ugly head when the concert promoter had to intervene after one of the group’s rappers made an audible noise on the stage with his foot.

In line with the order of silence bestowed upon it, the venue’s impressive in house PA stood switched off. Most punters agreed that they’d never not heard anything like it. Following a great, albeit quiet night’s entertainment, concert promoter Johnny Spoons said “This just shows what fresh talent Britain’s greatest city has to offer. The irony is, that we will be unable to follow it up with another show here, as the venue is facing a huge loss in revenue following the revocation of it’s live music license and it will probably call last ever orders just before Christmas.”

"My life used to be so different only a few months ago. Never really being one to bow down to authority without question, I would flit through life without a care in the world. There would be late nights. Drinking. The odd bit of gambling. Gosh, I would even smoke a cigarette on occasion. All that has now stopped thank goodness (Except for the gambling which is now positively encouraged at the New Digbeth Super Casino). I can see the errors of my ways now, but for a long time it was touch and go.

"A typical Friday night for me would start straight from work. I'd have a couple of pints in my local accompanied by a few cigarettes. Then I would pop home for some tea before venturing out again later to sample the delights of live music and fine ale. Back in 2007 it all changed. I found that I was not allowed to smoke in the pub anymore. It didn't bother me too much because I was told I wanted to give up anyway. And I could always pop out into the pub garden for a quick puff with my freinds. It was great because on occasion the pub would have music out in the garden too. The place would be pretty busy with people from all walks of life enjoying the atmosphere before moving on to wherever took their individual fancy. I even booked the garden for my birthday party and had a cracking bash. Then the music stopped too. Apparently someone who didn't know the area very well didn't like what was playing and so got it all shut down. So then it was conversation only for me

and the others. As time went on and the seeds of 'New Digbeth' germinated and grew the whole place changed. Then in 2008 they brought in After Dark Curfew™, which meant no noise whatsoever in a public place. You could walk the streets for an hour after curfew - but only by tip-toeing to make sure you were silent. It was around this time that my life changed - and thank goodness it did.

"I'd come out of my friend's apartment in Sector 7G, Brindley Place mk3, and as I crossed the road I spotted our local Civil Enforcement Officer. Keen to appear friendly and foster a community spirit, I asked him what the time was. He replied "I beg your pardon!" so I repeated it a little louder. Then I felt my legs taken from under me. What I hadn't noticed was that it was three hours after sunset - well within curfew time. The floodlights make it a little difficult to guage when sunset is sometimes.

"When I came round I was sat in a chair in front of a video screen showing endless repeats of Last Of The Summer Wine. I thought it was a cruel way to break my spirit at the time, but after months of therapy about my previous behaviour I now see that it was for my own good. Now I will learn to respect others and not infringe on their right to absolute silence. I only drink my state-sanctioned allowance of 2 units a day and have completely forgotten that I smoke. If the authorities hadn't intervened when they did who knows what state I'd be in now? Their best guess is that I'd probably be in the gutter in some hell-hole like Harborne with a needle sticking out of my arm. Frightening."

We asked Ray what would happen if he accidently raised his voice in future: "Oh no, absolutley no chance of that. I was given new procedure called the "New Digbeth Smile" where they reduced the size of my mouth by 50%. It's a proven method to safeguard the status-quo!" Sport

The season closes at the end of September and

with the end of NDST (New Digbeth Summer Time) just around the corner it's time to wind down. "When the clocks go back three hours next month", said Captain Richard Bucket, "After Dark Curfew™ will start at four o'clock and only get earlier as the year goes on. So we are forgoing closed-season training and instead this year will try hibernation. Our renowned fastbowler Bill Posters is even going one better - he's going to allow himself freeze in the River Rea until next spring just like them North American wood frogs. Or Lithobates sylvaticus, previously Rana sylvatica, of the Family Ranidae, as I call'em!" Well done this year lads. Tittering Hyenas indeed!

Operation Zippit has over the last 2 years led to a reduction of New Digbeth noise levels comparable to three football pitches standing on top of Nelson’s Column. Yesterday’s raids were focused on businesses and organisations flouting the noise ban and included persistent offenders such as the local church for ringing bells and the public transport licensee for running buses through the area during the 6pm—10am curfew. The Noise Enforcement Officers that took part in the raids were praised by their platoon leader - “It took real guts. Some

of the women in the church were armed with teaspoons”.

The 15-acre mock-tudor mixed-use monolith straddling New Old Bradford St comprises 12 ground-floor luxury apartments fronting the central Brindley Square together with 965 self-contained Nerobucks coffee houses occupying the four floors above. “What we have achieved is unprecedented” said lead architect Fulton Pincushion.

“We had 100% occupancy in the 965 retail outlets literally days after the project was announced, and we expect to off-load the remaining 11 apartments en-masse to a buy-to-let speculator. This places us on a good footing for our next development, the much-anticipated Bland Emerald. This exciting project will see the removal of the existing street-plan and replacing it with a 1/1000th scale map of Ireland, much akin to ‘The World’ in Dubai. I’ve already put my deposit down for Temple Bar island.

They fought a tough game on home turf—the tournament was held at the Hyenas new green on the former Shots nightclub site.

Team captain Richard Bucket showed his disappointment: “ We had it all for the taking really” he spat. “We were on our own turf and I think we had better training conditions in the run-up too. I mean, they live out in the sticks so they must get disturbed at the drop of a hat. Which is exactly what I was disturbed by when we played them away. Not round here mind. Now we have the peace and quiet we all wished for. I can even do that thing like that bloke that sculpts things on match-heads. I bowl in-between heartbeats!” While it was disappointment this time, Richard is confident about next year: “We’ll be fighting fit and raring to go next year—watch out Hockley Heath! Follow their progress only in the Whisperer.